Lately life has felt like one giant roller coaster ride and if I am being honest, I just want to get off.
I don’t want to adult anymore.
Ever feel that way?
When Emily barely bumped her head two weeks ago her eyes went crossed.
I was scared to death.
Just imagine your child looking right at you like this for just a moment.
A child who had just woken up seemingly normal.
Er visits, ophthalmologist visits, optometrist visits, visual testing, consultations, we’ve done it all. Each appointment is harder than the last to wait for. I wanted Emily’s vision fixed yesterday. The thought that she is running around seeing the world so unclear is tormenting this mama’s heart. I know she has adapted over the years, kids are resilient, and she doesn’t know any better.
Waiting is still hard.
Diagnosis so far have included: astigmatism, extremely far-sighted (even once she has glasses she will only see 60/20 out of her right eye), esotropia, strabismus, & convergence insufficiency. We go to our last appointment this morning and I feel a pit in my stomach over it. We want to do what is best for Emily. We want Emily to have EVERY opportunity to overcome her visual difficulties now, before they begin to affect her education. But with no guarantees and the insanely high & uncovered cost of vision therapy we are feeling all of the emotions.
In my head I think I imagined things being much more surface level and easier to fix. I didn’t imagine things being this emotional, frustrating, or complicated. I feel plagued with guilt over how I am coping with all of this. Reminders that we have so much to be thankful for and it could be worse are supposed to spur me to thankfulness, but they just seem to pile feelings of guilt onto the other array of emotions I have.
I know I should be thankful, I know this all was discovered in Gods perfect timing, I know I should rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, but I just don’t feel it right now.
So where does that leave me?
Right now in this moment when I don’t feel like rejoicing in the Lord, I will wait on Him knowing this.
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
I will wait and I will trust in a God who has never once forsaken us.
That He is Good in ALL things.
Until my heart can rejoice, I will wait upon Him.
Thank you for standing with us and praying for our Emily.
Now it’s your turn to link up for this weeks Tuesday Talk!
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Emily at Raising Barnes | Pinterest | Instagram
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