I’ve thought about writing this post for a long time now. I guess I haven’t really known how to approach the topic and want to do so as honestly and sincerely as I can. The best way I know how to do that is to just put myself out there.
I struggle with seasonal depression.
The first year I noticed it was the winter of 2013. It was the year I suddenly developed heart palpitations and ended up seeing a cardiologist at 29. Life with a 1 & 4 year old was chaos to put it simply. The passing of the holidays and the beginning of a New year left me floundering. Weeks passed by and I just couldn’t shake whatever it was looming over me. I cried, A LOT. I was so confused. What was happening, why wasn’t I happy, why was I so sad and angry? I excused it by saying it must have just been a funk… a very long, horrible funk.
In 2014 it reappeared. It was our first year of homeschooling and my just turned 2 year old gave up taking naps. I was busy, so very, very busy. I didn’t think much the looming dark cloud, but something didn’t feel right. I blamed it on stress, lack of sleep, worry, whatever label I could slap on it, I did. It was “just a phase” I’d get through it soon.
Then 2015 arrived in the dead of winter, the middle of January I felt it all over again. I once again found myself feeling lost, empty and hollow. Crying over everything and nothing on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I would sit and stare at wall for abnormal periods of time, The lack of joy I felt was confusing to me. I was again left questioning why I wasn’t happy and what was wrong with me. “What is my problem?!”
And then one day in a texting conversation with a dear friend the words came out…
“I think I am depressed”
For the first time in my life I actually meant those words.
Until then I want to leave you with this.