On a typical day I try to keep things light hearted and fun around here. I have been known to have my serious moments, from confessions of sin to parenting failures I believe these moments need to be shared. Not only as an imperfect human, but more importantly an imperfect Christian. I am a sinner in need of Gods grace and mercy EVERY day and there should be no shame or fear in saying that.
Today I want to open up about where I am lately. I wrestled with whether or not I should post this but in the end I ultimately decided I was not intended to struggle alone.
Today is September 15th 2015. Just saying those words makes me want to cry tears of frustration, anger and loss. It has been over 6 months and we are still drifters looking for a new church home.
I remember a girl who was saddened but more than that she was hopeful. She anticipated great things and naively assumed it would be easy. She expected quick results, surely we’d be in a new church home by Easter. She was excited about the idea of new friends, opportunities, a change of pace and felt so sure this would all be in the past in just a matter of weeks.
I kind of wish I could go back and punch myself in the face.
Weeks later and Easter long gone, things weren’t at all what I expected them to be. I thought it would easy, it wasn’t. I thought it would be fast, nope, I assumed that we would walk into a church one Sunday and just get a feeling that “we were home”, HA! I couldn’t have possibly envisioned things any more incorrectly.
And then one Sunday on the way home from what felt like another church failure I broke. It was like the walls I had built up closing off my emotions just snapped and I was left sobbing. Why was this so hard, why did it hurt so bad, why did this happen and where was God in the midst of this? The reality of it all finally set in so hard I thought it might crush me.
From that point weeks went by where I stumbled in and out of depression riding an emotional roller coaster of grief. Then one day I just stopped being sad and realized I
was am angry.
I say am because I still feel it. I feel it in the lump in my throat when I talk about it. I feel it when I look on Facebook and see others happily settled into “this great new church they found”. I feel it every time we cross another church off “our list”, when we visit a church that is completely missing it and I cant help but wonder how on earth are they still here but our church isn’t? I know it’s wrong, I know it’s sinful, I know it’s dark and twisted, but it’s there.
Some days I entertain the thoughts and buy into the lies feeling defeated. Other days I shout the truth of The Gospel confronting the lies for what they are. I find myself so hopeful and optimistic one day and saying the most terrible things the next. This conflict and confusion is something I have never felt before. I am so tired of pretending I am okay, tired of the brave face, tired of being a fake. Which is ultimately why I am writing this right now. I need to expose my sin to the light, no more hiding.
In the midst of the mess, the struggle, the fight what is true?
What can I believe?
What does the Bible say?
I believe that God is faithful and good even when I don’t get it.
2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful He cannot deny himself.
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
I believe that God is never surprised. Mystery doesn’t exist any more because that was the divine will of God!
Who am I to argue with that?
Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
I believe that He does have a plan for our family and it is good.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I believe that sometimes God’s will is for us too walk in the dessert.
Life as a Christian was not promised to be easy and comfortable.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
I believe than I am not alone even when I feel like I am.
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I believe that God is calling us just to be still, wait on Him and He will guide us in His perfect time.
Micah 7:7 But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.
I believe there is hope.
Real hope found in a real savior,
not in a new church.
Psalm 39:7 “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
Now it’s your turn to grab the button on my side bar and link up with me and my amazing co-hosts for another round of Tuesday Talk.
Meet your hosts!
Becky from BYBMG, Beth from Our Pretty Little Girls, Whitney from Polka-Dotty Place, Elizabeth from All Kinds of Things, Tara from Mrs.Coach Sims, Keri from Living In This Season, Sarah from Abiding In Grace, Lauren from Simply Free , Emily from Morning Motivated Mom, and Jessica & Katie from Sweet Little Ones, Christina from Waltzing In Beauty, Amy from Go Forth and Mother & Michelle from Grammie Time