One word to focus on, pray over, meditate on, display so it is constantly in your thoughts and mind. One word to focus and shape your entire year.
I had thought about choosing a word for 2015 around the end of December. I didn’t have a clue what mine would be and didn’t feel like giving it much thought at the time. I went on with my day not giving it a second thought. New Years came and went and the false sense of a fresh new start arrived. As much as I proclaim myself to be free from resolutions I still found myself with secret hopes, wishes and plans. I was going around the house organizing, cleaning, disposing and putting “all things” in order with expectations that if I had a fresh start my year would begin right.
Meanwhile, I found myself prioritizing the external. Changing things so I could appear to be this person that I so desperately want to be. Who doesn’t want to appear organized, put together, balanced, spiritual and of course a great mom.
But on the inside little had changed and any change that had happened was probably for the worse. I can’t change what is inside by making the outside appear to be better.
Why do I still try?
Sometimes I feel like I am the most ungracious person you may ever meet. I wish I could say that this ends with complete strangers, however that is rarely the case. The ones that I should love and extend the most grace to are often the ones that I forgo grace with all together. I expect so much and give so little room for error. My demand for constant perfection can be crushing, especially for a 6 year old.
The grace I expect from others is rarely the grace that I extend.
No amount of fixing up the chaos of the external is going to change that.
Why do I put a false hope in the beginning of a new year? Why do I think that fixing the outside will change the internal. Maybe I just hope that it will make me feel better about the parts of me that I hate. The parts that cling to sin and death.
I don’t need a new year, I need Jesus.
This doesn’t look like a new Bible plan, scheduled prayer times or a book to read. Not that God couldn’t use those. For me it is being still, listening more and talking less. Trusting completely in Christ for my salvation. It is admitting my faults, I am broken and I am imperfect. Daily setting my heart on Him and letting Him be enough. Continuously dwelling on the costly grace He has freely poured out for me.
This is what I need.
A new hope, not a new year.
Grace changes everything.